I still can’t talk to my parents without feeling sad. It’s all so twisted that it’s almost funny.
I am saddened by the fact that I’ll never see you again after this sem.
Ok, that’s just lame. I am devastated by the fact that I’ll never see you again after Thursday.
Days just seem to be passing by in a blur and I’m trying to hold on to the time I have to spend with people I know I care about and people I’d like to know more.
If only I had known that I’d come to like you, I would have spent more time talking to you or maybe just saying hi to you. I promise, starting next sem, I’m going to value everyone I meet. It’s just so hard to predict who you’re going to miss in the end.
(And this is why I hate becoming attached to anything.)
I don’t like making decisions.
Because making a decision means saying goodbye to one thing in order to get something else.
And I really am terrible at goodbyes.
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Today, I felt kind of down. Partly because I just read (part of) this really good book by Nick Hornby (I love that writer) which talks about suicide and how four people unexpectedly meet on that fateful night when they plan to end their lives and instead, they end up becoming friends.
I laughed at a lot of scenes. Nick Hornby can do that, you know. He can take the most serious topics and turn it into something funny yet thought-provoking. And that’s what he did with this one. And I’m sure by now you’re dying (haha, see what I did there?) to know what this book is
I wonder why I wore something I wouldn’t normally wear.
I wonder why I put on make-up though I find it hard to bear.
I wonder why I cut my hair to make me look girlier
(But instead, I now look gay.)
I wonder why I even care.
(It’s just a normal day.)
But what I really care about is
I wonder if you noticed.
We are never too young, too weak or too powerless to help. Helping stems from love. And love is an indispensable part of being human.
Photo from here.
Photo from here.
Read more about the Japan earthquake here and here.
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Know more about how you can help by donating through Philippine Red Cross.
Today, I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
It’s a wonderful movie about two lovers (portrayed by Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey) who, after breaking up, decided to erase each other from their memories. The movie spoke in hushed tones - its colors were subdued and the music was equally unspectacular. But it was absolutely beautiful.
It is the kind of movie that makes you think.
And I wondered, if it is actually possible to delete something or someone from my memories, will I do it?
I know it will save me a lot of time and trouble. And it will stop me from having these recurring flashes of scenes from my past. But I’m not entirely sure I would want to forget anything - not even the bad things.
Some people would say that bad things make you stronger.
I beg to disagree. It isn’t the bad things that make you stronger. It’s how you deal with them. And the time it takes for someone to deal with these things last longer than we expect. Events turn to memories and memories cannot be dealt with. They can only be accepted. So unless you accept the memories, something that happened five years ago will continue to haunt you.
Which brings me back to the question, would I rather have these memories erased?
A few months ago, I probably would have jumped on the opportunity to have the bad memories erased. But I would like to believe that I grow a little bit each day and learn a little more from everyone I meet. And right now, I would like to keep all my memories in my head, where they belong.
I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for everything I’ve experienced.
Perpetually messed up as I may be, I’m learning. I learn from the past. And I would like to continue learning and growing and changing until that day when I can say, “Hey, I’m glad my life got screwed up that one time (or two or three). Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here (wherever “here” may be).”
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From Goodbyes to Hellos
I’ve never been good with goodbyes.
In fact, I’ve never been good at hellos either.
I meet people and think, “Wow. I think you’re an amazing person and I would like to know more about you. Which is why I’ll stay away from you from now on.” Familiarity breeds friendship. Friendship creates attachment. And attachment makes it unnecessarily hard to let go of people.
And I don’t mean that in a romantic way. Romantic love rarely lasts. I even doubt its existence. But more on that later - a few months from now, maybe.
I don’t know when this wall appeared - this cold wall that prevents me from getting to know others on a deeper level. But I feel like I can never truly open up to people. Something holds me back. There’s this unfathomable fear that creeps up on me every time I get too close to someone.
Maybe it’s because one of my best friends in high school betrayed me.
Or maybe because my first love cheated on me.
Or maybe - and I suspect that this is the real reason - I found out that my family isn’t as perfect as I thought it was. And my little protected paradise, built on childhood dreams and tender love, came crumbling down.
Maybe that’s what this whole charade is about. It’s about me becoming disillusioned. It’s about how one girl, ever so trusting, lost faith in others. It’s about one kid who refused to face the harsh realities of life.
So this is what this blog will be about, I hope.
This will be about a journey to learning how to say goodbye knowing that the time you spent with someone or something was worthwhile, thereby preparing you to say hello to everything else the world has to offer.
